Meet Denny and Cindy Carter’s four children and there is no doubt that their parents have done more than a few things right in raising them. Matthew, Nathan, and twins Emy and Lisa are kind-hearted, intelligent, polite, respectful, and respectable young adults. They all know how to work hard, have fun, help others out, and rest when they need it. Four out of four doesn’t just happen. Those “results” imply a type of consistency and intentionality that is remarkable, and that’s precisely why I wanted to ask Cindy how she and Denny parented so well.
What were your most important intentions as a parent?
Thanks for the opportunity to share Edee. The main thing I wanted to give the kids was a solid foundation. People come and go, siblings stray, but that solid foundation of Jesus Christ as Lord, and a God who created and loves you will never let them down. He is completely trustworthy.
In what areas were you most consistent, day in and day out?
Having fun!!! We always had a lot of fun in just about everything. Lots of joking in this household!
No one is perfect, nor does everyone parent perfectly, despite our intentions to. Your “results” were phenomenally successful. What things do you attribute that to?
Again, the solid foundation, and lots of prayer. We are so absolutely blessed that each kid chose to follow Christ and put Him first in their lives.
It’s one thing to be the authority figures in the family, and it’s another to be authority figures that your children trust enough to obey rather than rebel against. How did you shape that loving authority in your parenting over the years?
Focus on the Family helped tremendously. They stated in one of their parenting courses that you do not have to yell. When a police officer pulls you over for something, he doesn’t come up and start ranting and raving at you. He calmly asks for your ID and you are trembling in your boots with your heart in your throat. They stated that you need to be clear. Give the child a doable job/command/request. Give them a time limit and give them a consequence for not doing it when challenged. Then be sure to follow through with the time limit and consequence. Be reasonable with age-appropriate stuff, be reasonable with time limits, and reasonable with consequences. Children under around the age of 8 have not yet developed the ability to reason. They memorize like crazy, but their brains have not devoloped the reasoning ability. Trying to reason with a 2-year-old is not very effective. So the consequence needs to be different than an 8+-year-old. Once there is an 8+-year-old, the consequences need to be more imaginative – a favorite toy/movie/activity can be withheld until the doable job is completed, etc. Timeouts were especially helpful for bad tempers, but actually, with homeschooling I found that after lunch around 3 o’clock, people were tired and hungry and cranky. So we started having snack and story time around then and most of the crankiness disappeared. Once children reach around age 13, they will begin experimenting trying their own things. Letting them make their own decisions, with input from their parents is the best. We allowed our children to make decisions after this age, and they still consult us for advice for decisions, which we love. It is also wonderful to be part of a community which we belong to at Orcas Island Community Church, because eventually, kids will challenge parents on certain beliefs. When there are other people in the community that the children love, the parent can point to those people as having similar values. Then it is no longer just the parent’s idea, but a widely held belief. Swearing is an example of what I mean by this. The household rule of no swearing was challenged, but when the child was asked if they ever heard (name), (name), or (name) say such things, the child had to admit to not ever hearing that from those people.
Give us a window into your family life of several years ago when your kids were all in the house. What did a typical day consist of? Specifically mention anything that you may think is missing in the family life of many of today’s households.
Get up, do school starting with math while the mind is fresh, working through other subjects with assignments. Lunch – everyone makes their own when hungry. I used to make lunch for everyone, but found it better to just let them make their own. Then they can start being a little competent in the kitchen. Afternoon classes then a hike/swim outdoors on Orcas – what fun! Snack, reading time, chores, and I make dinner. I had my own quiet time at lunch when the kids were older. We always had dinner together – always. With jokes, extended conversations, then a movie afterward. No TV or recreational computer during the day. No computer until the kids were in 7th grade; they work computers just fine now. It was a great perk for the new 7th grader. Kids today do not get enough non-computer, non-organized play time in the home environment, which helps the creative mind grow. Knowing their family is around was always nice too, I think.
Kids thrive on having routines. What daily routines would you say were most important in forming who your kids are today?
Daily excercise, daily quiet time – never enforced but always encouraged, daily free time.
Popular music, blockbuster movies, and social media are a big force in the lives of so many kids these days, often occupying hours of their daily lives. What level of exposure to various mainstream media did your kids have growing up?
Evening movie only. No regular TV shows (if the show is good, the commercials are too violent/nasty). Only earlier Disney films; prior to The Lion King and Pocahontas movies when the kids were young, until they were old enough to discuss the messages in their later movies.
What have your children taught you over the years that you didn’t expect to learn?
It is always horrifying to see your worst habits come back to you in your children. They pick these things up and make us grow up. Children make parents grow up.
Thank you so much, Cindy!
To learn more about their children from past posts or other sites, click here for Matthew, here for Nathan, and here for Emy and Lisa.
