About six weeks ago, I put the word out that I welcome anyone to be the subject of a Q&A regarding any topic they are navigating that is challenging, unique, or against the current.
I received a response from someone who prefers to remain anonymous, and they kindly agreed to answer a host of questions about their experiences with polyamory. I emailed questions, and the following is what they emailed back to me (except for the two definitions I inserted).
Polyamory: The practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.
When did you first begin to consider polyamory?
I think we first started considering it before we got married, which was in 2015, so we first started talking about it and probably 2012, 2013, 2014, something like that.
What life events led you to it?
I think I had always struggled in relationships trying to balance being in a relationship and being independent. I think with polyamory we have both. I feel in a relationship and I feel independent at the same time.
Were you raised in a fairly traditional family setting or were you encouraged to think outside the box when it came to relationships and sexuality?
I was raised fairly traditionally, and went to church as a teenager. That part was fairly traditional. My parents are fairly conservative. I didn’t have a lot of out-of-the-box thinking offered to me as a kid.
What caused you both to fully step out and do love the way you wanted to? Was it difficult? Was it freeing? Both?
It’s been a slow process. We’ve taken slow steps towards opening up over the last 10 or 12 years, going on dates with other people in the early part of our exploration, and then opening up from there.
I think it was difficult when my partner was first in a relationship because I faced feelings of doubt and worried what would happen if my partner fell in love with someone else and left me. I wondered if my partner would still find me desirable. But we talked about it and my partner was always really good about sending notes when she was with her other partner, saying, “I love you,” or “I’m thinking about you,” or “I’m looking forward to seeing you again.” That felt really nice. I felt reassured and supported.
It felt difficult when my partner was in a relationship with someone and they were having trouble and I was trying to help them both out and be there for them both. That got pretty difficult because my helping didn’t really help. They still had issues and and my partner’s unhappiness in that relationship began to wear on her and spill over into our relationship. That felt pretty challenging. That was when polyamory no longer felt worth it.
I mean, it was freeing at the same time because we felt free to see whoever we wanted to see.
It’s funny because the freedom comes with much more communication. On one hand, you’re free, but on the other hand, it takes more communication to maintain the connection. And that invites in more depth. It’s all a balance I think.
Where did you find like minds? How do you seek similar people out?
I think we just find people as we talk about our experience. And as far as dating, we’ve found people to date online, as people do these days.
Have you found that allowing yourself the freedom to step out into a less common lifestyle has opened you up to finding other thoughts, lifestyles, or practices and other life arenas that you may not have previously known about or considered because they, too, are less talked about?
Hmm, I can’t make a direct correlation there.
What are the various reasons you’ve chosen polyamory?
Just freedom and personal sovereignty, I guess. Acknowledging that we don’t have a monopoly over each other’s romantic life or love life. And that we’re always free to be with, and date, whoever we want.
To the people who choose traditional marriage and don’t understand polyamory, what do you say to them about the benefits of this that they may not understand?
Every choice has benefits and costs, I think. The increased communication and the web of love that I feel between my partners and metamours certainly feels like a benefit.
Metamour: Someone who is a polyamorous partner’s partner, that they have no romantic relationship with. This can be their partner’s other girlfriend or boyfriend or their partner’s spouse.
My original partner has another partner. And I have another partner. So there’s this web of love and connection and mutual support that I find really lovely and that I didn’t anticipate when we first started this process. But it feels really wonderful.
It just depends on what people want, I think. In a traditional marriage, you may have more stability and safety perhaps. In polyamory, we have more openness. And it takes more communication and work. But the benefits are more mutual support.
My love for my original partner is deeper than I’ve ever experienced. And I think that’s because we’ve engaged in this increased communication and been really open with each other about what we desire.
I think the downside of polyamory is that there’s just less time. If you imagine having two relationships, that takes time. And, it takes time to have that level of communication with both partners.
I don’t think one is better than the other. I just think they’re different.
Did you and your primary partner start out with this in mind or has it evolved over time?
Yeah, we started out with this in mind. It started just as an idea. We weren’t both actively polyamorous when we started out.
How has it threatened your primary partnership?
It hasn’t. And we don’t consider each other primary partners. We don’t have a hierarchy around it. I have two partners and there’s no “primary.” I mean, there is a little bit built in because I live with one of my partners and I don’t live with the other one. But we don’t view our relationships in terms of hierarchy that might be threatened.
I feel that having hierarchies in polyamorous relationships is problematic because then the needs of one relationship can dominate the needs of the other. I don’t want to put anyone in that situation. We try to be as equal as we can.
How has it strengthened your marriage partnership?
I feel like our relationship is stronger in that we’re just really honest with each other and really communicate. We have regular monthly check-ins. I do with each of my partners individually, and the three of us check in monthly as well, so that if my partners have anything that they’d like to talk about within the poly-cule, there’s a time set aside. Everything’s okay to talk about. And we don’t blame or judge each other and that feels like a really nice container for our relationships. It feels really loving.
Also, we really appreciate each other because we know that we’re not always around each other because we have other partners. So the times that we spend together, we really value, and we miss each other when we’re away. And I have time to myself when my partner’s away, which also feels nice.
I think there’s more of an appreciation, I would say, for each other. I feel that way about both of my partners.
What are the benefits of polyamory?
To me, the benefits are freedom and more diversity of love. And, like I said, feeling the web of connection and support. For example, when one of my partners was sick, my other partner came down to help. It felt really supportive and wonderful.
What are the drawbacks and pitfalls?
Spending less time with any one person and just feeling the constraint of time in having more than one relationship and trying to fit in all the other elements of life.
Is there ever a fear that children will result from polyamorous relationships?
No. I had a vasectomy a while ago. And one of my partners is going through menopause. So in some ways doubly not possible.
Do you ever struggle with jealousy or confidence issues linked to polyamory?
Yeah, initially I did. Not so much jealousy, but confidence issues. And that was just solved by getting nice affirmations, like I said, and messages of support and love from my partner when she was away with her other partner. That and just talking, working through it, and being supported that I was still loved and still valued and still wanted.
I feel that feeling of being loved, valued, and appreciated even more today than when we started out. It’s funny actually. I guess I wouldn’t have expected that, but I do.
Is there a particular situation that’s open to other partners or closed to certain ones?
No, neither of us have any sort of veto power over who the other person sees. We give each other freedom.
Do you have to both agree on who will enter the other’s life?
Like I said, no, we’re free to choose whoever we want to see. Having veto power is problematic, in my view, as it puts power over one person’s relationship in the hands of another, which is a form of dominance.
What assumptions about polyamory are true?
I don’t know. What are people assuming? I don’t know what people assume about polyamory.
Do you spend more time thinking about sexuality due to polyamory?
I suppose. Yeah, because there’s more of an outlet for it.
Are there things about polyamory that have surprised you in positive ways?
One of the things that surprised me is the sweetness of the connection between my two partners. When my partner that I don’t live with visits, it’s just really sweet to see both of my partners chatting and catching up. It’s really so lovely. It just feels so amazing.
Yeah, that’s kind of a hard one to describe, just the joy of that. It feels really touching and wonderful.
What have I learned about myself, my personality, my sexuality and my worldview due to polyamory?
That there were other parts of my sexual personality that I discovered because there was another relationship in which to explore them. I discovered joys and interests that I hadn’t realized were there, which was fun.
If you were to sell polyamory over monogamy or traditional marriage, what would you say about it?
I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t try to sell it to anyone. It’s my view that everyone is better off making their own choices around it. It’s just such a personal thing. Yeah, I would never do that.
What is the ideal relationship for you?
One in which I find joy, support, and love with another person. That’s the ideal relationship. One in which I feel inspired, in which I’m learning, communicating, and deepening, one in which I’m attracted to the other person, wanting to support them, wanting to grow with them, and just feeling joy. That’s it. That’s the ideal for me.
And I’ll add that those relationships are as much made as they are found, in my experience. By that I mean that, to me, relationships don’t come fully formed right out of the box. The communication, the working through things, the attraction, the love, and the deepening happen because the work is being done, things are being talked about, and there’s a continual joy, gratitude, and appreciation for each other.
Are there any aspects about sexuality that are still taboo for you and your partners to discuss, or is everything out on the table?
No, everything’s out on the table. Everything’s open to talk about. Everything’s okay. I tell both of my partners that I welcome every part of them, every emotion that they feel, and everything that they want to talk about. It’s all totally okay with me. There are no taboos at all.
That’s what I experience with my partners as well, that everything’s okay to talk about. One of the things that I most value about my relationships with both my partners is their ability and openness to talk about anything. Everything is welcomed. That’s such a beautiful feeling.
Is there anything you want to add?
Just that it feels super beautiful and I feel so happy.
Thank you so much for your willingness to speak candidly about this subject, Anonymous. I appreciate you.
A polyamory glossary of definitions can be found on this site.
Free stock photo by Markus Winkler on pexels.com
